You deserve better, Allam :'))

Nowadays, I'm living in tough days without knowing why. A tough mentally, physically and spiritual time passes without a real shock that changes you to be the one who you used to be in the past. The time passes and I'm so afraid of being not-productive person, at least to me, not for others. Everything here feels like eating my brain. It's like part of your soul is eaten by the others or changed negatively due to the surrounding environment every day.


The people here are dead. Literally, they're dead mentally. I don't like to be the one who complains or a candle that burns for the others, all I need is a real change in people's minds or someone who takes me up from this shitty community. I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I'm done of being the one who does the work and people talk about it. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things.


I love people who talk to me about the universe. Expand my mind. Share their dreams with me. Teach me something new. Take me on a mental trip. I'm so exhausted from the ordinary ones, I'm so exhausted to be the one who should lead, change, think or even the one who should start talking! I want to learn, I want to meet new people who are professionals enough. Sometimes I tried to remember the feeling of being a student, a real student or a member of a huge community who has duties that are supposed to be done, I miss the feeling of being a tiny part in a real cooperative community.

I want to be with someone who will take care of me. Not materialistically, but take care of my soul, my well being, my heart. I have a weird, empty feeling inside me toward the others, I can't bear anything anymore, I just barely trying to help as much as I can. My body, my personality, my feelings and everything is consumed significantly, it's like you're dying, you're going to be like the others and before your time comes and you die (By being a nos5a), you're trying to do something good in your life :')


Sometimes you find yourself trying to let go of something. But it's like you have been swimming in the ocean for a very very long time and you feel like you belong there And your body moves in sync with the ocean And you swim around just trying to stay afloat Then you get tired and you start to drown. I learnt that I should accept the fact that I will grow apart from people I've had significant relationships with. I understand when someone no longer positively affects my life. I have to let them go and don’t hinder my growth.


I'm writing this as a reminder for me, just in case if I achieved what I want - which is so difficult to be reached now - I remember that although I've been through those tough days, I did it.